novacaine for my soul, make it a double

June 2, 2009 notsoingenue

So it has been a few days since my last update. I don’t have a doctor’s note but call it literary laryngitis? Sometimes that happens. All at once just too much on my mind both on a personal and global level that the writing bug or ability just is inhibited. Not all bad mind you, just so much. Factor in the practical such as worrying over getting the bills paid and planning for anything else after that and my creativity is in lock down.

I learned of the death of one of my childhood(grade/middle-school) friend’s mother this morning. A scaring and sobering thought as he is but a little over a year older than me. So I am speculating his mother and my own in same age range. Having lost too many people in past few months to death this kind of news hits me in an almost paralyzing fashion. My mother and I have an often strained relationship. I watch her battle her own demons and resist the same over and over again. I either rationalize or make a clinical assessment these days of her words when they are harsh as it is somehow easier than tearing myself down.
But it reminds me of how nothing really is safe or secure or certain. Not that I ever really thought it was. At best I am a cautious optimist with misanthropic tendencies. Yet certain things I do feel or expect to be there. After that news I was in a strange way grateful for the nagging email I received on Monday from my mother berating the fact I had left the fabric softener in a place the cat could have gotten in, as I had visited her house to do laundry over the weekend.

I have also seen a certain door open again by the hand of one that matters the most. Or matters the most outside of the family. An ever evolving relationship with more twists and turns that a southern California freeway.
As previously noted I am a cautious optimist at best. And even with the one I love the most, the misanthropic tendencies do set it.
Nobody ever said the road to happily ever after was straight. Nor without some turbulence. But I hope as I see the flickers pointing to the exit my senses and excitement are not misleading me.
I keep having very lucid and vivid dreams. Of places I have never so much visited in my life. San Antonio and Oklahoma to name a couple.
I am not quite sure what to make of this. Nothing grand or dynamic happening in said dreams. Just every day events of life. But quite curious that I am having them when I feel homesick or lost in my own “home” and life.

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2 Comments Add your own

• 1. Patriot Byte  |  June 4, 2009 at 4:43 am

  Sorry to hear about your mom’s friend. It reminds us how precious life is.

  Reply

  • 2. notsoingenue  |  June 5, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    Indeed it does. Not my mom’s friend, although I lost two of those late last year, followed by my Grandmother then a suicide of a close friend in January. I think I also mentioned my friend Jeremy (think his family still has a website up under jeremyhaywood.com who died in the motorcycle accident Nov 2007
    This is a childhood friend I reconnected with in past year and though not me again in my circle and boy I can’t tell you how all of this is hitting me. So many good byes in a short span of time. Hard to wrap my brain around
    Life really is short and fragile, you just don’t know.

    Reply

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