what happened to miss and mister independent?

Once upon a time I sat in a classroom dreaming of what I would “be” one day. Like many..make that ALL of my classmates I had grandiose ideas of what I would do with my life. Whether we were determined to be Hollywood famous or finding the cure for Cancer and AIDS or perhaps building the tallest building ever, we were going to do great things. And while we loved our parents, our teachers and had respect for “authority” nobody was going to be the boss of us. We looked forward to being almost thrown to the wolves as we could conquer the world.
So how did my once braggadocio generation turn first into the hipster fools of the 90s that made being a slacker “cool” (Something I thought like leg warmers would fade) into full blown resignation? So complacent and timid we are eager to relinquish all control for the “sanctity” of security? Are we that lazy? Or is our self esteem so low we are afraid of the worst that we don’t want to even try? It baffles me. I mean we cheer people on American Idol or Biggest Loser cause they are so everyday yet accomplish great things. Yet we want some magic diet pill or what have you for ourselves? Huh?
You know what guys, get over it. Even those best things in life you call “free” really are not. What next do you want the government to issue you a BFF? Relationships require…tad dah..work. As with anything else.
Some of our most revered figures, from civil rights leaders to artists to doctors were at some point told “no” Or mocked or teased. It only served to ignite their passions and drive. Sometimes you have to have a few setbacks, do without a few things to get going or to appreciate what was there to begin with.

It is not selfish to put yourself first and make sure your needs are met. For as with love if you cannot do this can you really do so for others? And what is that grass is always greener sentiment? I know people that have more in terms of salary, possessions than do I. I also know that despite the cheery pictures all over myspace and facebook they work arduous hours including on vacations, while out to simple things like coffee and dinner. Do you want that for yourself? If not you cannot feel entitled to the material gains. There is nothing wrong at all if you want to work in retail or food service. Those are respectible jobs and need to be done. But asking for the same salary/gains/perks of someone who is say a doctor or lawyer? Are you serious? Change your way of thinking. I am tired of being called selfish or what not for being afraid(to put it mildly)of more and more taxes, fees that force me out of my means. I am the first to counsel a friend in middle of night. To be the designated driver. I donate clothes regularly, am kind to animals and am aware. Yet I do need to survive. I have modest goals and want to maintain them. There has to be some balance here not pushing and bullying and guilt tactics. As much as I would like to I am not a magician, I cannot save the world. But give me a chance to live without fear or constant policing, I will be good to myself and in turn leave my mark. All I ask.
The safety net system should be there as last resort, or in times of true tragedy. Selfish? Don’t you able bodied folk that octomom the system(so to speak) not feel remorse that some have true handicaps making it impossible to get around and work?

When did I turn into my mother? (when I was 18 I came here with 200.00 and one suitcase and worked as a nanny...)
Something like that Mom? I guess I will tell my nieces and perhaps my own child when I hopefully get to that point about getting up at 4:15AM driving to college 45mins going to class then to work for several hours then home to study and being on honor roll


Add a comment June 25, 2009

novacaine for my soul, make it a double

So it has been a few days since my last update. I don’t have a doctor’s note but call it literary laryngitis? Sometimes that happens. All at once just too much on my mind both on a personal and global level that the writing bug or ability just is inhibited. Not all bad mind you, just so much. Factor in the practical such as worrying over getting the bills paid and planning for anything else after that and my creativity is in lock down.

I learned of the death of one of my childhood(grade/middle-school) friend’s mother this morning. A scaring and sobering thought as he is but a little over a year older than me. So I am speculating his mother and my own in same age range. Having lost too many people in past few months to death this kind of news hits me in an almost paralyzing fashion. My mother and I have an often strained relationship. I watch her battle her own demons and resist the same over and over again. I either rationalize or make a clinical assessment these days of her words when they are harsh as it is somehow easier than tearing myself down.
But it reminds me of how nothing really is safe or secure or certain. Not that I ever really thought it was. At best I am a cautious optimist with misanthropic tendencies. Yet certain things I do feel or expect to be there. After that news I was in a strange way grateful for the nagging email I received on Monday from my mother berating the fact I had left the fabric softener in a place the cat could have gotten in, as I had visited her house to do laundry over the weekend.

I have also seen a certain door open again by the hand of one that matters the most. Or matters the most outside of the family. An ever evolving relationship with more twists and turns that a southern California freeway.
As previously noted I am a cautious optimist at best. And even with the one I love the most, the misanthropic tendencies do set it.
Nobody ever said the road to happily ever after was straight. Nor without some turbulence. But I hope as I see the flickers pointing to the exit my senses and excitement are not misleading me.
I keep having very lucid and vivid dreams. Of places I have never so much visited in my life. San Antonio and Oklahoma to name a couple.
I am not quite sure what to make of this. Nothing grand or dynamic happening in said dreams. Just every day events of life. But quite curious that I am having them when I feel homesick or lost in my own “home” and life.

2 comments June 2, 2009

holding out for a hero

Boy the really don’t make them like they used to do they?

Now I sound like my mother. Or *old* (gasps when did that happen)
This time I am though not getting crotchety about what happened to fashion or cult teenage films or punk music. Although I could harangue until the cows came home about all three.
But what happened to true activism? Or activist heroes? Today when something goes wrong and people want to protest I see the likes of the Rodney King after math and worse.
How did outraged citizens of Oakland react to BART police brutality? Looting, violence, car destruction. ALong with rationalizing it as necessary or collateral type damage. Cause I guess police will be less hard core or brutal when people behave in an alarming fashion.
Prop 8 is upheld and what do I hear? About 175 arrested. Then I read about people on various networking sites bragging about violent things they would like to do to anyone that voted “yes” Or people on either side arguing amongst themselves simply cause their reasons differ? Yelling, name calling and not sticking together?
When I really get upset is when they throw names such as MLK or Harvey Milk out there. As in what would they do? Or how they worked for what they believed in?

Excuse me? Seriously, EXCUSE ME??
Do you honestly think these leaders that worked so hard for unity, for rights for standing up for what they believe in with dignity would applaud you for being destructive? For bragging about violence? Do you? Or making threats on the Internet do you think they would be telling you to do such things?

Where are modern day folks such as this? Who can be humble, wise, forthright and caring? Able to go against popular opinion while not trampling on the rights of the opposition?(and making themselves look hypocritical)
Are they lost? Can we please have someone like this in today’s day and age that shows more concerned with the cause than self interest?

I am waiting, as always. Waiting.
Right now too beside myself with things I have seen on TV and the banter between children disguised as adults to speak much more.

1 comment May 27, 2009

“without you, I’m nothing..”

Memorial Day. One that requires some deserved sobriety and reflection. Of giving thanks and taking a moment back to appreciate the way of life that you enjoy.
You can take that both in the traditional way as well as on a more personal note as I plan to do. Of course I extend my thanks to soldiers that have made sacrifices so I can sit here spewing my thoughts freely on the Internet. I thank and remember both the ones who passed and those who survived harder times than I can imagine.

I also thank my Grandmother. How I miss you more and more each day. Time moves on yet stands still and the world is not same without you. I try to keep your spirit alive and make you proud in what I do but would give almost anything for one more conversation, one more more hug, one more smile. All of those that delight or compliment the way I see the best in others can thank you for that. For the unconditional love I extend. Had you not always been a little too good to me, I would not be able to be this way. I thank and remember you now.

Brad I am so sorry I failed you. You saved my life many a time. Not just figuratively, but literally. I was dancing on the edge and you pulled me back. You could read my mind and heart. Make me comfortable in my own skin and had a similar value system to mine. “Come as you are” you often said and no matter if I was in tears or sweats or dressed to the nines in my best garb with a smile to match you took me in.
I was so devestated when I heard you took your own life. Not only as I still need you, but I have this lingering guilt. We stood together for our ability to see behind the shadows. To call one another on bullshit.
But in your last few months I failed you. I would give anything to go back. The world so needs the quiet hero that you were. I need more than ever to hold strong to the faith in a higher power. You had such a refreshing gentle way of sharing your belief in God. If anybody deserves everlasting peace and a greater purpose it is you. I hope you do not mind I still speak to you and I hope you have found what you were looking for. I thank and remember you now.

To someone, that I will not name but to whom this will be obvious should your pretty eyes stumble upon, I do still love you.
Every single memory, the good and the bad are so vivid in my mind. From the first early summer day. When you stared me in the eyes before a hug good bye I knew we had a connection. Well I had it from the first time we spoke but that night sealed the fate. Though distance, personal circumstances currrently have us technically apart I again hold faith that life has a way of bringing the inevitable back together. The path to “ever after” has detours and stops. Twists and turns and alleys. So we both have had to make a rest stop in separate places. But I believe deep down when we both are better suited to travel once more we will land in same place. I have tried to find someone else that fits perfectly and never has one the way you do. So I turn it over as per Brad told me to do in the beginning. I turn it over to heaven above with patience and strength. You have given me far too much to be thankful for and made my way of life a better one. In time the storm will clear and here I will be.
I thank and remember you now. May there soon be new times we can share and remember.

2 comments May 23, 2009

little cars made of ticky tacky

Working for a small family owned company has advantages and disadvantages.
One thing I can admit to enjoying is the “homey” feeling I can get. As a childless young woman that lives with a roommate I enjoy the coming and going of the kids from their plays, sporting events and so on. The little mini vans, driven by fellow family members or their friends, full of their eager faces pull up and they come and go smiling and talking to me as they make their way to their parents office.
Oh wow, just said an evil word there….a word that might be like the dinosaur if powers that be have their way..mini van..
I thought this anti car, holier than thou sentiment toward the dear automobile was just some hippie trend just here in the bay area


I support things such as having to go for a smog check every few years. Fine. I will pay that 25 bucks to make sure I am properly maintaining my vehicle. But telling me pretty soon all cars must look like the bleak housing developments or strip malls in some communities does not make me a happy camper. Or seeing I don’t like sleeping on the ground a happy non camper. Can I have back my fourth grade “Social Studies” book? Where I learned about the culture of other countries. This all sounds very similar. What year is it again?
And what is wrong with larger vehicles? I can argue they encourage things such as carpools which are better for the environment. They encourage families to spend time and travel together. They are safer than the shoeboxy models, keeping insurance claims and accidents down. Besides the big car guys, haven’t banks and insurance companies that finance and insure them struggled lately? Do we need to shove them out of business? We want people to insure their cars and drive properly and legally. But will cars that are more accident prone drive rates up? People can only cut back so far and well if it comes down to not paying car insurance or not eating I wonder what choice they are going to pick? Yes I am sitting her playing Satan’s sister, and I never claimed to be an expert at anything. But common sense!! Can we have a degree in common sense or class in playing the devil’s advocate? Was told the real purpose of college was thinking and human relation skills that go beyond that fancy paperwork on my wall. Playing this internal what if chess game is my nature anyhow. Helps pass the time and I have a love hate relationship with the torture of it all.
Why must we work backward? Do you study to not get an F or to get an A? Hey instead of bullying people into doing something reward those with clean driving records, that maintain their cars, use carpool systems. I prefer that. Put the power to the people that way. Adults are big children. Yes we sometimes need a little direction but in the end most of us have that conscience in there.

Add a comment May 22, 2009

mad world

Though I intend to keep this journal more or less personal, I shall now and then purge and vent when events come to pass that truly strike a chord.

This was one of those mornings. Where the blurbs could not be drowned out and really upset me. To point I wanted to crawl back into my bed, pull up the covers and scream into the pillow.

First it was this little story Baby Left to Die in Apartment Dumpster

If the story in and of itself were not painful, well hearing people come to the mother’s defense and concern are appalling.
It is not a matter of religious fanaticism or pro choice ideology. Hey didn’t mom and dad ever just use the phrase “I said so” and leave that discussion closed? Why is there always room for debate on the right and wrong? It does not matter to me if this lady knew of the safe haven laws we have in CA. I also do not want to hear about other mental disorders to have it all minimized. This is just sad and wrong and to even hint she should not be punished is disconcerting to say the least.

But then again we are more concerned these days for making people feel vile and horrid for habits such as smoking and trying to use said habits to make up for other debts Gavin butts in

All of this disturbs me as it leads to “what next” Charging more for foods with a certain amount of sodium/fat/carbs? I don’t think it is that far off with talk of wanting to charge more for soda.

Or how about we find a way to tax the pigeons and seagulls San Francisco? Don’t they cause as much if not more litter than smokers? Or how about gum and candy as I have seen plenty of those wrappers flying on a windy day downtown. How about a sin tax on your chocolate?
So who elected these leaders saying they were looking out for our diversity and ability to live and let live? Yet they are snatching it away by butting in to little choices? And for the anti religious sect isn’t this almost like some overbearing private school teacher making you feel “sinful” for something that is “legal”

2 comments May 19, 2009

“is there anybody out there…”

My friends, my foes. My stalkers and trolls. Dearest readers.
I must confess I am starving.

No do not send me snacks. Not that kind of hunger of which I write today.

Just for a really good conversation.
Am I THAT interesting? Or that intimidating? Doubtful. Oh I might like for a moment to flatter myself, but I honestly do not think so..
So why…why why..pray tell..
Do I wind up of late to doing ALL the yapping while the other side just sort of takes it in. Honestly I am quite flattered that you “enjoy what I have to say”
However at this point I would almost settle for someone flat out arguing, if it would mean I would have it be more reciprocal.
Yes here we go again with the lack of reciprocity. It for lack of a more eloquent description “sucks hardcore”

Should I take out a new personal ad? But then again they only seem to make those sites/ads for cheap hook ups and romantic relationships.
One step at a time there buddy.

Forget buying me dinner, or flowers. Or hallmark gifts. Can you PLEASE just hold a conversation. You don’t need a witty comeback for all I say, but if we are sharing mutual interests contribute a bit more. Or hell throw something totally new out there it reminds you of so maybe I will learn a thing or two..

But the robot/deer in headlights thing grows old and cold fast.
I could sit in front of the mirror and do that. And stare at myself at same time. Or the cat would suffice. Hell he would at least rile me up a bit.

2 comments May 18, 2009

it was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand

How are you??

Such an innocent yet complicated question.

Do you mean how I really am or would you just like me to tell you what you want to know? Should I nod sheepishly or shrug and make it quick or give you detailed information?

And just as there are many ways I could answer that, well indeed with me it is quite complicated

How about I answer it comes and goes
as that seems a fitting answer in lieu of the expected “fine” or “ok”

as the feelings of fine and ok indeed come and go
and back down again

I have my goals in place, brand spanking new little notebooks and all. One for restricting up the old diet. One for ($)spending and one such as this for feelings. And one moment I can feel so ready to grasp them all and as though everything I desire is in my reach. Life is good and has purpose.

The next it feels as though the world is crumbling again. I am ready to cry and commiserate.

But if I am to put it all down and spell it out, the events of prior months-the fact I am trying in of itself says something. Of my character. I am always the humble one, so no, I don’t feel that is me showing off. Nor making excuses. I have seen multiple deaths, sickness to loved ones(both physical and mental) sudden living relocation, heart breaking change to relationships, false friends showing their true colors(and yeah that means YOU if you have reduced to still stalking me) in addition to the every day trials such as work, money and so forth.
Yet I have managed to still pull myself out of bed nearly every single day and put on a busy face.

So if I have my moments of tears and screaming and brooding you know what … DEAL WITH IT.

I shall make no apologies for my feelings. I own them. I am proud as they reflect who I am beneath the surface. And if you dissect it enough a positive can be found in a so called “negative”
My hypersensitivity enables me to be a person of conscience and devoting. So I will keep it thank you.
My sentimentality enables me to learn from history rather than ignore it.
So there you are and as you were. Carry on about your day. I shall work my hardest as well to do the same. I will make no promises after that.

Add a comment May 18, 2009

all coming back to me now

Who gets custody of the memories? Or not memories but associations? You can divide the tangible belongings but what of songs, movies, TV shows and favorite foods. Those precious seemingly innocuous things that suddenly get so personal. I sat there last night in salon trying to treat myself. Me time. Suddenly a certain song playing in background had me looking so unsettled and vulnerable the manicurist asked if I was OK. Playing it off I attributed it to allergies. But does that sentiment ever go away? Miles divide circumstances change and so on. Yet like siamese twins a connection that cannot be severed remains. You are a part of my being in too many ways. Save me from me.

Add a comment May 17, 2009

always something there to remind me

If only my memory were at least less vibrant.
Not only do I lack the ability to forget outright, but I also do so in such extreme detail. The colors, the smells, what I was wearing, the music on the radio, random background people and such. And it reverberates over and over. Coincidental things will transpire, or cross my path and it all comes back to me. Like a mighty wave knocking me over. I am rendered once again powerless by it all.
I cannot escape it or you. It is far more complicated than that.
But isn’t it always?
If given that opportunity would I? At one moment I think I would. Then the next, the very thought frightens me.
If someone was such a significant part of your life they can never truly be replaced. It is not like getting a new pair of shoes or mourning over something happening to even a beloved keepsake. At least in my heart. People stay. They can move. They can move on. But in my case, if I let you in to that certain
“sacred place” it is a big deal.
As I sit here musing, sutures line that spot and gentle knocks are being laid upon the door. I am not sure if to answer.
And…for better or worse whatever it says about me, you will always have a home there. In some shape or form. I have tried…not only this time but before to imagine it otherwise. to prevent it or deny. But I cannot.

Add a comment May 14, 2009






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